Tag Archives: Dating

July 7, 2011 · 12:13 am

Summer Roster | The Ultimate Summer Dating Challenge

Everyone Has a Roster

These four words made me sick to my stomach. I’m not sure what’s more upsetting about this comment: the fact that it isn’t true…for me at least or the fact that it’s coming from someone I’ve been sexing. Either way, I’m not too thrilled about having several dating options. I’m a die-hard hopeless romantic, who believes in fairy tales and prince charming. I love being in love and seeing others in love. I find comfort in a healthy, loving, monogamous relationship. I simply can’t juggle several different men.

I came across a dating challenge on Essence.com that sparked my interest. I figured, what the hell, you only live once…maybe I should participate.

Paul Carrick Brunson, challenges women, for the month of July, to ask and go out on at least 10 dates with 10 different men. According to Mr. Brunson, your dating life, and perspective, will change forever. He also highly recommends that you should be ready for dating before pursuing this challenge. If you’re not ready for dating, simply take a dating sabbatical.

I have a pretty active social life but I’m not sure if I’m bold enough to survive this challenge. Approaching, or pursuing, men is not in my nature! What shall I say? Should I look friendly? Inviting? Lustful? Evil? What should I do!?! I’ve NEVER had to mack any man down AND request a phone number. This challenge will definitely force me to step out of my comfort zone and step my confidence game up. 10 dates with 10 different men seems a bit extreme, but I think I’ll give it a shot. I’ll keep everyone posted with my progress.

What do you think of this challenge? Do you have any phobias about approaching men? Have you ever made the first move on a guy? Looking for places to meet men?? Check out the 10 ten places to meet men… here

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Filed under Dating, Dating Sabatical, Essence.com, Match.com, Modern Day Matchmaker, Online Dating, Relationships, Sex, Single Ladies vH1

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July 1, 2011 · 3:09 pm

Late Nights and Early Mornings

 

I was browsing Vibe.com and ran across a familiar face. It was as if I could smell his YSL cologne through my MacBook screen. I haven’t seen him in years and from the looks of things, he was doing quite well. God, I miss him.

We were never supposed to be together. He was my rebound. My revenge. My victim. He was best friends with the “ex love of my life.” We were going through a messy break-up, equipped with [me] harassing side-chicks and [him] labeling me as crazy.  We have been battling for a year and I needed to do something, or someone, to hurt him.  I had been an excellent girlfriend throughout the years and if I’m going to feel pain from this break-up…so should he.

I partied at least 5 nights a week. We would always see each other out and he would take care of my drinks and club accommodations because of my relationship (and his) with my ex.  He was like family…to him. I made strategic advances every time we crossed paths.

  • Week 1 – Flirting and compliments
  • Week 2 – Tighter hugs and heavy eye contact
  • Week 3 – Lipstick stained cheek kisses and back rubs with the hugs

I was ready for him.

We were at our usual Friday nightspot and I decided to make a move. I sent him a text inviting myself over after the club. He initially blew me off – claiming that I was playing games with him. It wasn’t until I showed up at his condo, half naked at 4AM, that he realized I was dead ass serious.

I enjoyed every bit of our first encounter. I was satisfied. Not because of the sex, but because I knew that my ex would hear about this soon. He wasn’t the greatest boyfriend but I never doubted his love for me.  I felt that creeping with his friend would destroy a little piece of his heart.  I allowed and accepted so much to go on in our relationship and NEVER did anything about it. I gave 2nd, 3rd, and 10th chances because of our history. I was a good girl…but not tonight. My ex’s friend, Malcolm, still seemed in shock at the idea of us being together…sexually. He joked about how he thought I was bullshitting him about coming over. He always knew that I was interested based off of looks that I supposedly gave him throughout the years. The type of clothing I wear around him.  Not once did he mention my ex, his friend.

Malcolm and I had a semi solid foundation and friendship prior to us sexing.  I needed to leave him with an experience. I wanted to be memorable…something to talk about. Men talk just as much as women – I secretly hoped that he would share our secret among his circle and somehow my ex would catch wind. I wasn’t concerned with being type cast as a hoe – I only wanted my ex to know that I wasn’t this sweet, innocent, good girl he’d grown to love over the years. I knew that there would be a chance that I would run the risk of my ex being in denial about Malcolm and I. If he ever asks, I would simply confirm.

It was only supposed to happen once. Once turned into twice, and before I knew it…we had been creeping for close to two years.  Our late nights and early mornings was the highlight of my year. We still managed to hang in the same circle, cross paths in the club or at a local event. Our circle suspected that we were involved – but we kept it very casual in public. We would smile, nod, and keep it moving. Anything more would only reveal our little secret. In retrospect, I never really felt guilty about our relationship. I loved my ex…but I wasn’t madly in love with him anymore. I didn’t really feel embarrassed either. I was indifferent. I knew that sleeping creeping with his best friend was wrong but it was justified…right?

Our sexual relationship began to die out once he became too needy and demanding as if this were a real relationship. I tried my best not make us – a routine. I slowly began to pull away; he became more and more frustrated with not having his way. Ultimately, I relocated and we ended.  I still think about him from time to time.  Have you ever had a little secret? Have you ever dated a close friend of an ex? Is there a statute of limitations on dating a friend of an ex? Let’s discuss.

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June 9, 2011 · 12:30 am

Snag a Man…Online

Single Ladies – VH1

A few months of living in New York City had flown by and before I knew it…it was damn near Valentine’s Day. My new girl smell had worn off and the dates began to become few, far, and in-between. I was chatting with a girlfriend about being lonely and needing some company. She mentioned that a few of her friends have had success with Match.com. I immediately blew her off because I’m too fine and too fly to be on Match.com.  Furthermore, how am I going to explain how I met my new man to my old-fashion Southern family!? They do not understand communicating via text message or Skype – how are they going to interpret meeting someone online!! The thought of being on an online dating site equals desperation and if someone I knew spotted me – I’d be embarrassed as hell.  She finally confessed that she had given Match.com a shot – validating that normal people do exist on online dating sites.

I laughed the entire time.

I could not believe my ass was on Match.com searching for a date. Every wink, every instant message, every email would result in gut-busting, tear jerking laugh. This was quite possibly one of the craziest things I had ever done. Then it suddenly hit me that the process of looking for potential love and companionship isn’t a laughing matter…it’s serious. There were a few stragglers and spammers, but the majority of men that I was interacting with were attractive, black, successful professionals. I encountered physicians, police officers, military men, lawyers, and educators – all of which didn’t necessarily have time for socializing or meeting new people in social environments. I also noticed that majority of the men were looking for serious relationships…something that I wasn’t quite sure I was ready for.

The hunt search was very easy. I chose my ideal age range, ethnicity, and required educational background:

The headline and the profile summary is the first point of contact, as it summarizes the entire profile. It’s similar to a sales pitch:

Please note that everything that glitters isn’t gold. The About Me section is crucial and can be a major deal breaker. How you articulate what you want speaks volumes. Take a look:

After you’ve reviewed his About Me and Who He’s Looking for section. Pay special attention to how you two match up. This section will be a side-by-side comparison between his requirements and his personal stats:

Once you’ve determined that you’re interested, you can take the initiative by making contact with several contact options beneath the profile or at the top right corner:

I spent a couple weeks on Match.com chatting and entertaining men. I finally decided to meet 3 men: School Administrator, Java Web Developer and a Marketer. The School Administrator was 15 years my senior but gorgeous. He knew damn well that he had no business even looking my way.  According to his profile, I wasn’t even apart of his acceptable age range. His questions concerning my life goals and purpose left me feeling intimidated. Thus, I politely ended communication with him. He was simply too mature for me.

The Marketer was my biggest disappointment. He was down-to-earth, humorous, and hip.  We spent weeks exchanging pictures, chatting via text and online. We even progressed to Facebook friends. I honestly thought I had a winner. After a few weeks of chatting, we decided to meet for coffee at a Starbucks in Midtown. I was excited – I felt like I was meeting up with a long lost friend. My mouth hit the floor when we finally met.

He had prosthetic hands.

I don’t really have a problem dating a man with kids. But just like kids, you should mention a handicap after the first few conversations or at least display a picture in your profile. I was mortified. I was so disturbed that I stuttered the entire conversation. He explained in full detail the near-death illness that resulted in him losing his limbs. I sympathized but being honest; I couldn’t handle dating someone with a handicap. Furthermore, he should have made me aware of his condition well before our meeting.

My final pick…the Java Web Developer was a goldmine winner. He was decent, educated, and one of the finest men I had ever dated. His beautiful Caribbean accent combined with his dreamy body was definitely a winning combination. I was spoiled with weekly dates and frequent communication. He was into me, but unfortunately I was elsewhere. We managed to date for close to 5 months but I couldn’t tell you anything about him. I can’t recall his favorite color, his middle name, or any identifying trait. He complained about me not being receptive or responsive to his advances.  He begged for phone calls and kisses – but I didn’t hear him. I was still traumatized from my previous relationship. I wasn’t emotionally available to be dating or fostering a relationship. I simply needed someone to cure my loneliness. I had forgotten how to date and was beyond afraid of what would happened if I allowed myself to be open again. Needless to say, he moved on.

COME BACK…I’M READY NOW!

 Would you ever experiment with online dating? What are you thoughts on online dating? Do you have any success stories? Let’s chat!

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Filed under black relationships, black women, Match.com, Online Dating, Preferences, Relationships, Single Ladies vH1

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June 7, 2011 · 9:16 pm

Blublockers

This Can’t Be Life - Guest Post

I was having a conversation with my younger cousin about the dating perils that we women sometimes, or more than often, put ourselves in.  She said something that made me instantly think “Damn, she’s stupid and young…but this sounds like me just a few years ago… Sigh.”

Reminiscing:

 Met him in a club…on a drunken night. I don’t even remember getting his number! I fell for whatever it was he had going on that night. After a few dates I found him to be charming, poise, articulate, and well connected. At the tender age of 21/22, he had everything that I wanted in a man. After about a month of weird dates, we slept together.

It was EARTH SHATTERING!!!

 Now I’m hooked…and he knows it…and out the window goes his representative. My friends tried to save me but I refused to listen…

 The bullshit begins:

Memorial Day he decided to treat me to a trip to Miami – which consisted of me flying standby on AirTran (the $69 flight). I imagined that he was trying to save for our room at Lowe’s Hotel. Guess again.  He was completely missing in action for an entire day – forcing me to crash on the floor of a friend’s hotel room that happened to be staying in Miami. He finally arrives and not only are we not at Lowe’s or near the strip, we’re staying at his friend’s house. The chick doesn’t know we’re a couple and places us in separate bedrooms!! The sex on the beach the following day was amazing…so I let it slide.

We’re back in home, now he’s practically living with me, he’s driving my car, I’m snooping, he’s cheating, and he’s living out of his suitcase. I later discovered that he is not well connected. In fact, local celebrities know of him and have allowed him to tag along in the club – strictly for entourage duty. Outside of him being a groupie entourage member, there’s no real business being handle like he once claimed. His vocabulary consist of a mixture of words that he’s heard other intelligent people use over time and now that his representative is gone – all those BIG words are being used out of context!!

After 10 months, and tons of horror stories, I finally had that AH HA moment that nobody likes to have!

 “Bitch, where did your self-esteem go? You have your own place, car, a degree …WTF??? Are you really allowing this man to take over and dominate every fiber of your being and he’s not contributing a dime??? Are you trading all this bullshit you’re taking for SEX? A MAN??? THIS CAN’T BE LIFE!!!”

I like to consider myself the “Ultimate Optimist” because I’m always trying to see the best in any situation. Every rule in the game of dating goes completely out of the window when you’re hooked on someone. It’s like you’re held captive or you’re imprisoned in your own body. Your hobbies, interests and common sense are thrown out the window – forcing you into an exhausting, miserable one-dimensional world. Often times your friends, family, and life end up on the backburner to your man. I’ve taken all kinds of blind risk and been on an emotional roller coaster ride for this man. I’m thankful for maturity and experience – I can honestly say I’m a much better person for having gone through something like this.  I could have saved time and heartache by just listening to girlfriends and opening my eyes to those who have tried to help.

Have you ever had a “This Can’t Be Life” moment? Could listening have saved you?  What have you done to bring yourself back to reality? How have you handled dealing with friends in similar situations? Have you ever been sprung?

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June 1, 2011 · 12:00 pm

Curvy Girl Blues

I vowed that the next man I have sex with would be my boyfriend. And this vow was long before the release of Jumping the Broom. I really mean it this time. I was reminded that I’ve been a kitten one too many times this past weekend at a Memorial Day BBQ.

We never took it to that point but had I given him the green light, we would have definitely been sex buddies. I randomly met him out at a local spot in Harlem. My girls and I were celebrating over a few drinks and that’s when I spotted him, Collins. My days of fishing led me to the quiet guy in the corner, whom the bar staff was very familiar with. I assumed that he owned the place or an establishment nearby. They had his bottles already chilled and 1 wine glass set up – ready for serving. I made immediate eye contact.

I took a seat next to him and hit him with a smile and a soft “hello.” He asked what my girls and I were sipping on and proceeded to order a bottle for each of us.

Jack-motherfucking-pot

We chatted, exchanged basic information, and flirted…the usual. Later that evening he was joined by several friends…all which had a little pocket change. My girl ended up meeting a nice gentleman, who happens to still be her man today. There’s hope ladies!

Collins was impatient and uncompromising…just like any other older man. He was direct, spoiled, stubborn, but sexy as hell. He had a great sense of humor and he was extremely intelligent. He owned a couple of lucrative franchises and used to be a big deal in the entertainment industry. He studied at NYU and hailed from Nigeria. I figured that I’d stick it out, as I needed him for his network.

He was slickster.

I’ve been on the fence about dating older men for years, but I liked him. He didn’t remind me of my father like most men his age. Our first and last date was a complete nightmare. He was completely uninterested in knowing anything about my background, my character or me. He only wanted my body. We went to a nice restaurant/lounge that offered private dining…and boy was that a big mistake. I joked with my girls about how I felt sexually assaulted every time he’d even talk to me. He didn’t give a fuck where we were at – he wanted it any and everywhere. I should have come to dinner equipped with a branch from a tree to beat his ass off of me. After turning him down for sex more than once, he decided to drop me. I was beyond relieved – that was well over a year ago.

My girl has been hounding me about how I should get in contact with him, he can’t stop asking about me, he wants another chance…blah, blah, blah. Just when I was about to give in, he reminds me once again of his intentions with me. He shows up to this gathering with his girlfriend. Hand in hand – smiling and shit.

The entire ordeal really struck a nerve with me. I’m so sick of being viewed as anything less than girlfriend material. I’m tired of being a kitten. Collins is definitely not the first, nor the last, to place me in the ‘sex object’ category. I’d like to think that I’m a quality woman. I have a good sense of direction, great sense of humor, well educated, great job, great personality and attractive. Any man I’ve dated in the past year can probably recite my measurements faster than they can name the type of degrees I’ve obtained – Bachelor’s and Master’s. I had a discussion with one of my homeboys about my dating woes and he said something that really hurt my feelings,

You’re too curvy…you’re beyond lustful. It’s really hard for any man to really focus on anything other than your body despite all that you have going on.

I’m well aware of my body, build and overall look. I’ve tried everything imaginable to tone down my look but these curves you just can’t avoid. Curvy women have it hard. Seriously. I can’t get two words out of my mouth before a man (even a woman) begins to shift their attention to my backside. Between workplace discrimination, clothing disparities, and dating – we manage to stay losing. I have to use extreme caution getting prepared for work – making sure that my lips aren’t too bright and my pantsuit isn’t too fitted. I cannot recall one instance where a stranger, or friend, hasn’t made some sort of indirect reference to a body part or hips-to-waist ratio. Our curves almost always categorize us as lustful, freaky, and/or sexy. It’s been proven that curvy women are just as addictive as drugs.

According to the researcher, Steven Platek,

Having a high hip-to-waist size ratio really gets men going. Those wider hips are generally indicative of better overall physical health, and the ability to carry healthy babies. Curvy women really do affect men’s brains, Platek said. The amount of body fat may not even matter.

There was also a study that suggested that curvy women live longer and give birth to smarter children. WTF?! I’m starting to take this indirect rejection to heart. I’d like an opportunity to meet someone that isn’t immediately enamored by my curves. I’m also sick and tired of women justifying their curves in magazines.  Good looks and dangerous curves are wonderful but substance in a woman is important.

This may be just a rant, but do you ever feel immediately categorized based on your looks? Do you think that curvy women have a harder time seriously dating than slimmer women?

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